I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have tears in my eyes during McCain’s concession speech and again a little while later during Obama’s acceptance speech. Watching McCain was like watching a great athlete playing in his final game before retirement; sure you feel badly for him, but he was playing against the team you root for, and well…

Obama. Obama’s speech will, without question, stand together in history alongside Dr. King’s ‘I have a dream’ and Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. From the very moment he appeared on stage, there was feeling of transcendence in the air. That by simply watching it we were becoming part of something great, something with much more longevity than ourselves.

America, perhaps? Freedom? Hope? Inspiration? All of the above?

The journey to the Whitehouse was long and difficult. But it is complete. This is the moment we’ll be talking about for generations to come; when We the People, finally turned our back on our vicious and, frankly, embarrassing past, and, standing together with ghosts of Ol’ Abe Lincoln and the Reverend King, said, we, the United States, the most perfect Union, have finally reached a place where men are, indeed, not judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

The Inaugural on January 21st, 2009 is the icing the cake.

Now, all that said, if we want these dusty ole Chimes of Freedom to start ringing for us pitch-perfect, we have a lot of work to do. Winning the Presidency was only the beginning. Do not become content. Do not become complacent. Do not settle in and wait for the system to work for you; the system is broken. And simply electing, finally, someone who may be the most inspirational President since Kennedy, is a good start, but my friends, it ain’t the answer.

In other words, it’s time to roll up your sleeves. We have work to do.

That means me. And that means you.

For there’s a battle outside, and it’s raging.

Schell

First, a little history.

October 9th, 2007. The Dow Jones Industrial reached it’s highest (non-inflation adjusted) point ever, somewhere around the 14,000 mark. Everyone is happy. Everyone is excited. Even the beggars are lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills. Needless to say, it’s a good time to not only be an investor, but to be an American. We’re back in the game, as the saying goes.

Well, with the Dow so ridiculously high, some people who’ve never before invested in the stock market take a look at such a run and say to themselves, “that’s it. This is the year that I finally invest. I want my piece of this American Pie!”

So, they, I mean, me, I mean I, find a broker and with eager hands and dollar signs in my eyes, invest a somewhat significant amount of money into some stock. All I had to do now was sit back and wait. The returns would come rolling in. Do I want the blue yacht or the yellow yacht, I remember thinking to myself.. Hell, with the amount of money I was destined to make, I’ll get them both! I’ll even get the chopper to fly from one to the other!

Honestly, it couldn’t have been more than a day. Perhaps even a few hours after my money was unleashed unto The Market when something strange, but not entirely unpredictable began to happen.

The Market, fresh off it’s highest point ever, began to slowly sink. It was not unlike those old episodes of The Price is Right. The Yodeler kept going up, higher and higher, higher and higher, until finally (with my money freshly infused) he reached the point where he could go no further. Pausing if only to offer up but a moment’s final hope. Then he, and the Market along with him, came crashing down.

Deeper and deeper it went, soon 14k was gone. 13k, 12k, 11k, gone. All wiped clean. Panic had set it. People were screaming in the streets. Billions of dollars in value erased just like that. Surely, I thought, this is just a bump, a blip, a burp in the system. In a few days everything will capitulate and I’ll be back at the Lambo dealer giving an answer on which set of custom leather seats I wanted to go with. Surely, this decline could not, as the analysts were saying, have much more to go before it reached a bottom and began to turn around.

It was somewhere between 8k and 7k that I realized the power that I held over everything. Imagine, I had only put in a small, seemingly insignificant amount of money in the Market. What if I had put in more? Could I bring down the entire planet? Could I, a la Dr. Evil, hold the entire world at bay while the G8 leaders scrambled to meet my demands before I injected another, somewhat more significant amount of money and watched, laughing, while the world’s economies all came crashing down around us? It was the perfect plan {insert maniacal laugh}.

What? What’s that you say? The worlds economies are crashing down around us? And it’s likely that I had nothing to do with it?

Hm. Well. This is going to take some reconsideration.

While I mull this over, here are some helpful stock tips to get you through to the next Bull Market.

1 - Beer Manufacturers - though I prefer a cool Sam Adams, the companies that are going to be doing well are the ones that don’t charge too much for their ‘product.’ Look for your Natty Lights, Pabsts, and Keystones to make a showing. When the economy is in decline, quality and taste soon go with it.

2 - The Essentials - People have to eat. And they have to, uh, you know. Look for companies that make products to take care of both ends.

3 - Low-End Dining - Same theory as #1. For the price of a nice dinner at a decent restaurant somewhere downtown, you could eat for a month at one of the low-end dining houses. And though the food might not be good (or even food), in these tough economic times, we all have to make sacrifices. Besides, tapeworms are more than just a vintage weight loss plan, they’re friends, too.

4 - Self-Defense Companies - When the economy goes down, crime goes up. It’s Newton’s third law, I think. Look for companies that not only manufacture things that shoot, but companies that manufacture things that can be thrown (guns and ammo are expensive, bricks and baseballs are not).

5 - Medical/Pharmaceutical Companies - An obvious choice, no?

6 - Companies that don’t have you for an employee - Sitting in the cube, watching the world melt away, it’s easy enough to see that, if world leaders and economic theorists can’t get it right, the chances of your boss having got it right are pretty slim. If you work there, the writing is on the wall, the company is doomed for collapse. The trick is to find some happy employees, the mysterious minority, and try to get a job with them (or for them). It’s an impossibility for sure, but with all the free time you now have, what else is there to do?

7 - Start your own company - People are afraid. And when they’re afraid, they’ll believe anything. Why not capitalize on that? Starting your own company based on fear, is the perfect (and sadly, recently American) way to earn a living. The trick to all this is to find something the people are afraid of, and combine it with something that’ll make them feel as though their do something to help themselves. How about:

Matched 401k Demon-Zombie Removal Service

Sure, demon-zombies don’t really exist (outside of Washington), and in a few years, the matched 401k will be a myth too, but when people see you driving down their street in your converted hearse, their fear will kick in. And remember, your job isn’t actually removing the Matched 401k Demon-Zombies, it’s getting people to believe they exist.

Happy Hunting.

Schell

I am what you’d call, ‘politically informed’

But Tuesday night, when I found myself turning off the debate mid-show, I realized that I’m not just informed, I’m actually over-informed. In fact, I realized that I am suffering from severe case of Political Burnout. Symptoms include: extreme eye-rolling, hives in the shape of Sean Hannity and Keith Olbermann, and a strong desire for this election to be over already.

Seriously. I am done listening to the rhetoric, the political ads, the pundits, and the pinheads. I am tired of everyone and their wrong, misinformed, and sadly out of date opinions. More and more I find myself turning off the news channels and wishing that we could just get this over with already.

How does tomorrow work for everyone?

However, considering that reality is what it is, and there is little we can do to change it (I’ve tried), I’ve put together some things that are helping me through all this political quackery. Perhaps they can help you make it though the next four weeks, too.

1 - Develop a sense of humor. This is vital to, well, to anything, really. These next few weeks, and especially if you’re a Republican, are going to be tough. And to survive, you’re going to have to get used to people knocking down your choice. I find that a good, well-developed sense of humor can help avoid feeling as though you’re never going to get it right. Now, humor is good, but preemptive humor is best. For example, if you happen to be at a Young Dems meeting, don’t wait for the jokes to begin, kick off the meeting and tell everyone a few jokes you’d recently heard about Obama. The more offensive the joke the better. If nobody laughs, explain to them that you’re only trying to help them develop the toughness they’ll need to get through the weeks until the election. The Republicans are a nasty bunch who’ll resort to backhanded humor at every step. They’ll no doubt appreciate your help and might reward you with a group hug and maybe even a promotion to group treasurer.

2 - Specialize your political interest. Everyone likes to be well read. But what about that one guy who, no matter what you try to talk to him about, always wants to bring the conversation back to one book, or one story that he’s read? That guy knows what he likes regardless of what other think of him. Everyone respects him for it. Even if they choose to show their respect by ignoring him. But don’t let his solitude fool you. I suggest picking an issue, the more obscure issue the better, and become an expert in how each candidate is going to tackle it, or not. Everyone knows how McCain and Obama feel about the War in Iraq. But why is nobody covering the recent exclusion of the slender moonwart from the endangered species list not because it is making a comeback, but because there is not enough information available to warrant list inclusion. How dare the Mainstream Media ignore such a hot-button topic!

3 - Find a niche outside the political arena. OK, let’s face it, if you’re reading this, you probably aren’t going to run for president, get tapped for the VP spot, or get your own hour-long on MSNBC. In fact, as informed as you are, politics might not even be for you. Why not leave the cold-calling and street-corner-ad-spinning to someone else tonight and go and take that cooking class you’ve always wanted.

4 - Find (and visit) a good therapist. Always on the wrong side of an argument? Can’t stand to hear what other people have to say? Convinced that you’re surrounded by idiots? Maybe it isn’t everyone else that’s wrong. Maybe that fight you lost in the third grade (to a girl) is having more of an affect on you than you’re willing to admit.

5 - Spend some time getting to realize that you are only human surrounded by humans. OK, this was a big one for me. Up until my 30th birthday, I was under the distinct impression that I was ‘more’ human than the philistines surrounding me. Imagine my surprise when I found out that they are just as human as I am. And as such, are subject to the same mistakes and errs in judgment that I (occasionally) am. And although I remain somewhat skeptical, admitting that we’re all the same has allowed me to take some of the pressure to be perfect off of myself and those surrounding me. At least now when someone messes up, I am not at the ready with my broadsword, calling for his neck. I’ve eased.

6 - Did I mention a sense of humor? Vitally important, that.

So, those are my tips. Now, I am not telling you how to go about your daily life, I am only telling you what has been working for me. In these next few weeks, all of us, human democrats and human republicans are going to be force-fed more political information than ever before. And if you’re paying attention to the election (if not, please do), it’s very easy to get burnt out on all of this. And it’s also very easy to just want to block the whole thing out. Which is fine. But if you’re going to do that, please don’t forget to come out of hiding long enough to vote.

I am Schell and I approve this message..

-Schell

And I can tell you something about being born; it’s overrated.

Once you’ve been born, people never stop talking to you. And, if their constant yammering wasn’t bad enough, they expect from you the oddest things. Did you know that once you’ve been born, you’re expected not only to stay born, but to deal with the most devastatingly ridiculous things. Did you know this? Too much work, I say!

Consider as evidence: right now we as a country face perhaps the worst economic crisis that we’ve ever faced. Everywhere, people are losing their jobs, houses are in foreclosure, our education system is underfunded, our military is over-funded, our President is, well, you know, we’re embroiled in a war that doesn’t seem to have an easy exit, Sarah Palin thinks being from Alaska is a good foreign policy experience and someone thought it a good idea to make Rock of Love II (or so I hear).

Ridiculous! Devastating! Overrated!

People listen! I urge you! Being born is overrated! Please abandon all thoughts of joining us, the unfortunate previously-born!

Go and do something else. Tennis, perhaps.

Now if, however, you were unsuccessful in preventing the trip through the birth canal, I suppose there are good things that can come from it. There are trees and flowers and sunrises and sunsets and friends and good food and drink and the love of someone with whom you like spending time.

See, all good things.

Let’s form a committee! People Already Born Against New People Being Born.

Where am I going with this? Please read on.

Sometime in the next few weeks Federal Government will inject about 700 billion dollars into some companies who’ve, through one bad decision or another, gone nearly belly up (or are in danger of doing so). The money will save the economy. The money will save companies. And it will save the people who work for those companies. And it will save some of the homeowners who are in danger of losing their houses. The benefits, they say, will trickle down to the rest of us, the previously or already-born.

And all this is paid for by whom, you ask?

The presently unborn. The not-yet here. Those of us still in the ether.

700 billion.

Seven followed by eleven zeros.

That is a whole lot of trickling. And a whole lot of paying.

I am not going to say that this money could be better spend elsewhere, because I think that to be an obvious point. Early Intervention and After school programs need to be created/funded, the health care/social security/welfare systems need revamping, etc.

See? Obvious.

But how have we gotten here? Aren’t we are the most powerful country in this history of civilization? Aren’t we a beacon of hope and freedom the world over?

Of course we are.

But why all the economic problems? Why do we need seven followed by eleven zeros?

Greed? Of course. Capitalism gone wild? Yes. Most likely that, too.

But I know what isn’t causing this global economic crisis. And that is, of course, the pursuit and enjoyment of trees and flowers and sunrises and sunsets and friends and good food and drink and the love of someone with whom you like spending time.

So, if you can, try to stay unborn at least until we’ve gotten all this sorted out. If not, if you’re like me and have already been born, won’t you please join me in being outraged?

• Schell